My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Most mornings I wake up thinking about the list.
But sometimes I have more important things on my mind, like court.
I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer.
I bet it explodes like a Death Star.
You might be disappointed, like when you got that tow truck driver to drag your pumpkin.
He drove off before I could get the wig on it.
Earl, thanks again for loaning us all this money. No problem, Crabman.
Besides, what kind of man doesn't help his ex-wife make bail?
Recently, Joy and Bargain Bag had a difference of opinion on their return policy.
- You can't return this. - I have returned it.
- And somehow or another, I'm gonna get my $3,000 back. - No, you won't.
- Yes, I will. - No. You won't.
- Yes, I will! - In Joy's opinion, they were being a little unethical.
- Cha-ching! - So she stole their truck.
[ Tires Screeching ]
We found out there was more in the Bargain Bag truck than she bargained for.
I tried to help Joy, but she was goin' down a path I could not follow.
That path eventually led her to jail.
Damn it, Carla! Stop givin' me flat tires.
- That is the third one since we got off the bus. - Settle down.
Should I ask him now, Earl?
I saw a guy back there with pistachios, and I don't want him to go before me.
I don't think he's here to get 'em cracked, Randy.
[ Mouthing Words ]
- [ Judge ] Joy Turner. - Yes, Your Highness?
Mrs. Turner, do you have an attorney today?
Oh, I don't need one.
I wasn't about to put my mouth near that pay phone after that meth head puked on it.
Very well. Bail is set at one million dollars. - [ Gavel Raps ]
- Excuse me? - This is your third strike.
Third what?
[ Earl Narrating ] Apparently, this incident wasn't Joy's first serious run-in with the law.
Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money.
Can we get some more green ink in this machine?
Is that... Are you copying money?
Shh! Don't say anything. I'll make it worth your while.
Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you... What are you doing?
We have a policy. I signed a loyalty oath!
That is my fake money! Copy responsibly! Copy responsibly!
[ Earl Narrating ] Strike one: Counterfeitin'.
And when Joy was gettin' taken in for her first strike, things got worse.
Easy, gorilla. I just bought these fingernails.
You don't like the process, don't do the crime.
Let go! I can do it myself. Damn it! You just broke one!
[ Grunts ] [ Earl Narrating ] Strike two: Assault on a police officer.
Third strike? I can't go away for life! Hey, I want a deal!
I know things about all those women! Jesus did not tell Carla to kill her sick mama.
She just wanted to go out dancin'! Tell 'em the truth, Carla!
Don't lie! Tell 'em!
I don't know if you remember me.
I was the guy with that pecan when my brother tried to steal the plane.
I don't know how you're gonna make bail, Joy.
The bondsman will cost 10%. That's a hundred grand.
I don't even have that much money left. But you still have some.
We can take it and copy it and then have a hundred grand. You know, counterfeit.
You've really been focused on that walnut today, haven't you, Randy?
Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here.
Someone needs to figure out what the hell we're gonna do.
[ Earl Narrating ] Every group of friends has one person they turn to for advice.
Guns N' Roses had Axl.
Knight Rider had the talkin' car.
And for my little circle of delinquents,
the day I made my list and turned my life around, well, that person became me.
Why are you even worrying about this? Joy is in jail.
We should be in the town square celebrating and tipping over a giant, evil statue of her.
I know you don't like Joy, but I just can't let her sit in jail.
I don't like Joy either. I also don't like it when they put raisins in candy bars.
- Are you done with your pulled pork? - [ Earl ] Yeah, I can't eat.
Man, my eye's messed up. Feels like there's a tiny little bug heart beatin' in my eyelid.
- It's twitching. That means you have stress. - I don't have stress.
Stress is for doctors and lawyers and army guys who have to shoot dogs and whatnot.
[ Sighs ] What are you doin', Randy?
I'm makin' a list of rich people with a million dollars we can borrow for Joy's bail.
"The Beverly Hillbillies." They're super rich.
They're pretend, Randy, just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump.
- They're just TV characters. - Well, the Jeffersons are real, right?
'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson at the boat show last year.
Remember, we gave him a dollar to say "Weezy"?
Randy, we're not gettin' any money from these guys.
If you're gonna come up with names, think of people we... know.
[ Earl Narrating ] There was a name on that bag we could use, but Randy didn't write it.
It was the only rich guy we actually knew.
Chubby.
[ Earl Narrating ] Richard Chubby was the richest man in Camden County.
He owned everything. You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals,
so why should you treat your clothes any differently?
'Cause if there's one thing your clothes can appreciate...
It's the taste of slow cookin' with the sloppiest sauce around.
Now, our meats are aged to perfection.
And so be sure and bring your kids down for...
Lap dance madness every Tuesday.
There's all kinds of fun goin' on at Club Chubby, so come on down.
And don't forget, sweatpants are allowed, and truckers shower for free.
** [ Blues ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't lookin' forward to askin' Chubby for the money.
See, if he was poor, we'd call him crazy.
But since he was rich, we just called him "sir."
So as you can see, uh, Joy's really in a bind here, sir.
[ Inhales ] [ Man ] * All through the night *
[ Shudders ] Woof.
Smell it.
Go on. Smell it.
[ Clears Throat ] * Walkin' round just like a fool **
[ Sniffs ]
Nice. Vanilla.
Yeah.
Not you. But I love vanilla.
It's my third favorite flavor.
All right. Just a whiff.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Chuckles ] Smells like a cupcake with boobies.
Open up.
This is a real classy joint,
and I don't want to ever hear "boobies" around here.
Got that? Uh-huh.
[ Sighs ]
Vodka. [ Laughing ]
[ All Laughing ]
[ Forced Laughter ]
That's funny, 'cause Randy thought he was gonna get his head blown off.
Yeah? I'll tell ya, I got a problem, Earl.
I like Joy. I like her a lot.
But I like my money too.
Chubby, you'll get your money back, I promise.
I'll tell ya what. I've had some trouble fillin' this place since my best dancer left.
If you guys could find her, get her dancin' again,
I'd be glad to sign Joy's bail.
Great. So what's the dancer's name?
Uh, look, right over there.
- Catalina? - Wonder if he's got any extras of those.
Oh, yeah.
[ Earl Narrating ] We always knew that Catalina used to work at Club Chubby.
We just never realized she was their number-one dancer.
Catalina's just gotta dance again. I've already imagined it, and it's great.
I'd show it to you, except it's inside my head.
I don't know, Randy. It's kind of a hard thing to ask a friend.
"Hey, Catalina, you feel like workin' for a crazy man...
"and shakin' your half-naked body for a bunch of sweaty drunks...
to help a woman you can't stand get out of jail?"
I'm sorry, Earl. After you said "Catalina half naked," I didn't hear any... thing.
Sorry. I said "Catalina half naked," and I forgot what...
I remember. You said somethin' about Catalina bein' half naked, and I...
I lost it again.
[ Earl Narrating ] Sometimes Randy gets trapped in his own brain loop.
It also happens when he watches Back to the Future.
When he finally popped out of it, we went to talk to Catalina.
[ Woman On Radio ] * Everybody * [ Man ] Get crazy!
* Everybody * Get crazy!
Wow, look at you! Dancin'. * Everybody, everybody **
The music and the movement keep the rats from attacking my ankles.
Do it, Earl. Just remember, don't start with the words "half naked" because I...
Wow. So, uh, you've got some good moves.
You used to do that for a livin', right? Yeah.
I wonder which half's gonna be naked. I hope it's the front half.
Randy!
I remember now. Club Chubby, right?
Say, was that, uh... Was that a good experience?
You got to wear a bikini. It's almost like gettin' paid to go to the beach, right?
Only instead of sand in your crack, you get dollar bills.
Yeah, it was the perfect job. I made great money. It was glamorous.
But unfortunately, it became too dangerous.
[ Earl Narrating ] Catalina explained that her act was a little different,
but made crowds go insane. [ Cheering ]
* Jump around, jump around jump around *
[ Earl Narrating ] Most dancers at Club Chubby just danced,
but Catalina, she was special.
She jumped. * Jump, jump, jump jump, jump *
* Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump *
[ Earl ] But in the end, Catalina found the risks as a go-go dancer far too great.
* Jump, jump, jump jump, jump, jump * [ Gasps ]
- * Jump, jump, jump * - [ Gasps ]
* Jump, jump, jump, jump **
** [ Organ ]
[ Earl Narrating ] After seein' how deadly her jumping could be,
Catalina made a promise to herself.
I will never dance again.
Tell the part about the jumpin' again.
Look, if you enjoy dancin' and love the extra money, it's crazy that you quit.
- What if the family forgave you? - How could they?
I killed a husband and a father.
Listen, since I started the list, I've found that people can be pretty understanding.
Unless you're a girl with one leg, but I think she was already angry to start with.
Anyway, I think you'll feel better if you talk to this guy's family.
No one apologized to me for the execution-style slaying of my cousins...
during the Festival of Redemption.
But you know what? It would've felt nice.
- I'll do it. - Jump around, jump around.
Jump up, jump up and get down.
I mean, when you're ready.
[ Earl Narrating ] It turns out the horny guy with the weak heart was a club regular.
So Chubby knew his name and that he had a family business.
Hello. I'd like to see Mr. Tucker, Clark Tucker's son.
What is it regarding?
Tell him the woman is here who is responsible for his father's tragic death.
[ Gasps ] You are as beautiful as the legends describe.
The slayer of el diablo has come!
Mr. Tucker made us work 16 hours a day...
in a cramped, sweltering hot room for almost no money.
You mean, like this?
Oh, no. Mr. Tucker's son, he install a fan.
You see that, Catalina? 'Cause of you, this place isn't a sweatshop anymore.
Just a place where people work unreasonable hours for low pay.
But at a comfortable 88 degrees. Come!
- [ Applause ] - I can dance again.
[ Crashing ] [ Gasping ]
- I was just turnin' it on high. - Oh!
[ Earl Narrating ] I was glad Catalina was willing to go back to Club Chubby...
'cause that meant I'd be able to get Joy out of jail soon.
But Randy was probably the happiest of all.
You're very good at this.
I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walkin'.
Oh, does your mother like to exercise?
- Let's not talk about my mom right now. - Okay.
** [ Blues Rock ]
Pooch, in about 10 minutes I'll be in my office.
I want you to send over a steak and a girl,
both drenched in hollandaise sauce.
Thanks for doin' this, Chubby.
And, uh, if you don't mind, I'd rather Catalina not know...
you're gonna bail Joy out tomorrow.
I hear ya. You gettin' a little somethin' from both those gals?
Just a really bad case of eye twitches.
I got that from Desiree once.
Gotta wash your hands real good and drink a lot of cranberry juice.
[ Earl Narrating ] For a second, I thought my plan had worked out.
Hey, Earl. Hey, Crabman.
[ Earl ] But then I realized what Darnell was holdin'.
See, when Darnell's happy with somethin' you've done for him,
he always thanks you the same way... with homemade lemon squares.
As good as they were, those tasty little treats were gonna screw up my plan...
'cause Darnell wasn't givin' 'em to me.
He was givin' 'em to Catalina to thank her for bailin' out Joy.
And there was only one response Catalina was gonna have to that.
[ Announcer ] A round of applause for Catalina!
[ Men Chanting ] Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! I will not jump for Joy.
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
[ Earl Narrating ] Catalina was angry about the whole Club Chubby thing,
but there was someone else who was even angrier.
She wouldn't dance? That's all them people do is dance.
Did you try throwin' a hat down in front of her?
Hi. My man's not here. You want to chat?
Okay. What are you in for?
I killed my man.
Look, Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them.
That's why that troop of "flat-chested pigmy sluts"...
won't deliver Girl Scout cookies to you anymore.
Fine. Whatever. Just bring her down here, and I'll apologize.
Really? I didn't know you knew how to do that.
I'll do anything to get out of here, Earl. It's horrible.
I can't even use the toilet in my cell because my roommate's makin' wine.
I'm sorry. You seem really nice.
But I just don't feel comfortable puttin' the phone down my pants...
and lettin' you talk to my stuff.
[ Earl Narrating ] Generally, people don't like seein' their enemies,
but they do like seein' their enemies behind bars.
Nice jumpsuit. Ain't you sweet.
Now, Earl tells me that for some crazy reason you think we're not friends.
The first time you saw me, you called me a whore.
No, you just misunderstood what I said.
Which is understandable, I mean, because you're Mexican.
I'm not Mexican. Whatever. You speak Mexican.
- I speak Spanish. - You both speak "friendly," so let's just go with that.
Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me, and I know why you hate me.
It's because I'm hot. Excuse me?
Damn it. There goes the eye again.
You're jealous of my hotness.
Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison.
But not the prison of your fat body. For that, you have a life sentence.
I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about 10 times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me.
Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-section scar.
That is not a C-section scar! That's from where my prom date stabbed me.
I had both my babies naturally.
Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts. Do these look saggy to you?
I could float half your village across a muddy river on these puppies!
I've heard enough. This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time.
And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo.
My eyeballs are big?
Yeah, well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!
Really? You couldn't pretend to be nice for two minutes?
I've seen you act crippled for a half day just to skip the lines at Six Flags.
Look, I don't need her.
If Chubby wants a top earner, then I'll dance and earn more than she ever did.
I'm made in America, not a maid in America.
You'd be laughin' if you could see how I spelled that in my head.
[ Earl Narrating ] Chubby had always wanted to see Joy in a bikini,
and he figured other people might like that too, and he was right.
Had a bomb gone off in there that night,
there wouldn't have been a straight man left in Camden.
God, there's a lot of people I know out there.
What the hell does my gyno expect to see that he hasn't seen already?
Man, why am I so nervous? I don't know.
You've sure danced naked in front of us enough times. Not at the same time, but...
Actually, uh, there was that one time when I was hiding in the closet.
Wait. Was that on Thanksgivin'?
- Yeah, we thought you'd fallen asleep. - I thought I heard somethin'.
First I thought it was a squirrel. Man, that is some wild stuff.
Can you ladies take your tea party outside? I need to calm my nerves.
How long were you in there? For a couple of hours, man.
[ Earl Narrating ] I would've stayed and talked her through her stage fright,
but it was clear Joy didn't need me.
All she needed was a nip of whiskey,
followed by a pint of tequila.
** [ Rock ] [ Announcer ] All right, Camden County!
It's time to turn your imaginations off and your eyeballs on...
for the sensual gyrations of Joy Turner!
[ Cheering ]
Hey, this ain't my song.
No, this ain't... This ain't my song.
* My blood runs cold My memories have just been sold *
Yes, it is!
[ Earl ] Although Joy had consumed enough liquor to have the courage to get up on stage,
well, she was dangerously close to fallin' off.
Change! What the hell do I look like, a fountain?
* Angel is a centerfold Na, na, na-na-na-na **
[ Gagging ] [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Joy was a fountain.
After she threw up on the entire front row, Chubby called off the deal.
I can't go to jail, Earl. I can't give up this freedom.
- What are we gonna do now, Earl? - Hold on, Randy. I'm thinkin'.
We don't have a lot of time. They'll come get Joy as soon as Chubby takes his bail back.
I know. Give me a minute to think.
We don't have a minute, Earl. I need you to help me.
- I can't raise them kids on my own. - They'll eat him alive.
He can't even cook for his own damn self. How's he gonna cook for two boys?
I can't have 'em. I love my nephews, but...
[ Earl Narrating ] You know how I said every group looks to one guy for all the answers,
and that guy is me?
Well, sometimes that guy passes out from the pressure.
[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]
- Hey, Earl. - ** [ Hip-hop ]
Hey, Crabman.
[ Earl Narrating ] I started to realize where I was and what happened.
But then I heard that song, and, well, I figured I must be dreamin'.
Catalina's jumpin', Earl.
It's just like it was in my head, only now I can show it to you.
[ Earl Narrating ] Only I wasn't.
* Jump around Jump around *
* Jump around *
* Jump up, jump up and get down *
* Jump, jump, jump jump, jump *
* Jump, jump, jump, jump jump, jump, jump, jump **
[ Announcer ] Give it up for Catalina!
Hey. So what made you change your mind about Joy?
Oh, I would never change my mind about Joy.
She's a buttbag. A what?
A buttbag. It's a bag of butts.
Anyway, when you passed out, I realized you were killing yourself to help a friend.
Joy's "gynocologicalist" said I had an anxiety attack.
I don't know why I let it all bother me so much.
Because you're a good man, a good friend.
You care so much, it was tearing you apart.
I was the only one who could ease your pain, but I was being small and petty. A buttbag.
[ Announcer ] Gentlemen, let's see if we can get her back up here.
Now a nice round of applause for Catalina! [ Cheering ]
Always remember this: When I jump, I jump for Earl.
I would never jump for Joy.
[ Cheering, Whistling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And just like that, Joy was out on bail.
Randy got to see what was already in his head, my eye stopped twitchin',
and Catalina was back to doin' somethin' she loved, which made everybody happy,
especially the truckers in sweatpants.
But most importantly, I realized that even though Catalina wasn't Joy's friend,
she was definitely mine.
Hey, Earl? Yeah, Randy?
If I had a squirt gun filled with vodka,
I'd shoot cops with it 'cause they couldn't get mad.
I think they'd still get mad, Randy. Really?
But they'd be gettin' free vodka. I'm gonna try it.
Well, have fun, 'cause you're only gonna get to do it once.
Good night, Randy.
Good night, Earl.